I woke up in a rather weird mood today.

I couldn’t sleep and fell into a deep sleep only at 5 am. I spoke to a friend of mine in India this week and he said everyone’s psyche is messed up with the virus. Our emotional and mental equilibrium is out of whack. Himanish and I compared symptoms, even colds, and ongoing unsettled feelings and we both shared many of the same challenges. I thought I was aging rapidly…then finally found the right doctor, after I continued to experience balance and vertigo issues and even went to the hospital for MRI and scans. The new doctor changed my meds and I’m feeling much better now.

Why am I oversharing today?

In the news I saw a photo of Alex Trebek’s wife on her wedding day. That beautiful shot focused on their 29 year age difference and their long and happy life together. It was romantic and quite lovely. That got me thinking and searching my first husband–if you don’t count the 6-month marriage that was annulled when I was 20! My “first” ex husband was 18 years older than me. I can’t remember what he looked like but his name came to me and I researched him online and found a death notice. I haven’t thought about him in years.

Then I googled myself! I mean I googled “death Lynda Filler.”

What a strange irrational thing to do, right? I mean, I feel great. I’m busy happy, healthy, in a great relationship, productive… Death. Maybe it’s the news. I do check the WorldMeter site every day. And we are on partial lockdown in Istanbul if you are over 65. Although with my new orange hair, I can get away with looking under 65. Still, I’m cautious and appreciative of everything the government is doing to keep us safe so I will follow the rules.

Look what I found! First, I’m very much alive. I have 17 books on Amazon–now I sound like my FB page! But I’ve also written about death. I’ve lost people close to me, but never been at someone’s death bed nor experienced what it is to watch a loved one leave the world. This year, those of you who have read Cafe Confidential my latest memoir, know that my boyfriend’s father died from COVID-19. It was a very sad, frightening experience for him. They are a really close Turkish family–4 sons, 7 grandchildren. His mother recovered from COVID and my boyfriend tested positive but did not experience the full symptoms of the virus. I was very lucky–or rather, it was not my time to go. My friend is Muslim. I try to explain to him that death is a change of matter. We are no longer our physical bodies but instead a spiritual entity remains. My mom passed away in 2005 and I speak with her every day. I mean, she doesn’t respond; but my belief system says she listens to me and guides me in my daily life. I don’t think my friend understands this concept. His father is in Paradise and the only way he feels close to him is to visit his gravesite. We all have our own faith and beliefs. It’s unlikely he will ever understand mine. And that’s okay.

I also found this–the reason I’m writing this blog.

I rarely go back to re-read the things that I’ve written. Although over the past couple of weeks I read all my Code Raven novellas, and novels because I’m working on book 8. I was actually surprised at how good they are–could it be that they were channelled? In any case, I came across this blog on my google search. It’s from 2018. I want to share it with you. It’s a different yet magical way of looking at death and contact with those we love.

It seemed like this message was begging to be re-posted or revealed today.

Death…can I visit you there?

I Spy Heaven

My dear friend Kristaline sent this note to me after someone I loved a close friend died suddenly in 2011. I included it on the last page of my poetry book I (Spy) Love.

by Kristaline Shannon

It’s so awful when someone is afraid and so awesome when you can ease that fear. Your faith is strong; you will be amazing.

For me, for all of us, it is a park drawn out of sidewalk chalk. The colors don’t exist here and cannot be described but are beautiful. All the toys are made with the special chalk and Elijah and Rick guard the entrance from evil. There is no age or time. There is no pain and everyone you have ever loved or missed is there in some form or another. You have access to everything you ever wanted on an emotional level.

Rylee showed me the entrance just after Michael died. We were at the street fair and drawing on the street with chalk. She drew a blue pizza and said it was for Michael and I asked her why did you make it blue; and she said, “Michael likes blue.” I found the entrance next time I meditated.