“I’m not a body with a soul…”

I’m not a body with a soul, I’m a soul that has a visible part called the body.” Paulo Coelho

 

Have you ever stood above yourself and gazed down and watched your body doing something mundane?

Have you ever been in the midst of a crowd of talking, laughing, with excited people and found yourself all alone?

Have you ever been told you’re dying?

Have you ever been in the middle of a conversation and forgotten completely what you were saying?

You’re having an out of body experience. You’re a soul, not truly present, with a body that’s a stand-in during that split second in time.

Have you ever found yourself in a situation where the correct response, at that moment, is violence, anger, frustration, maybe harsh words, and yet…something in you makes you immediately turn around and walk away?

The human mind and body have a tendency to react in a specific manner to specific events. This is how our bodies are wired–we respond, react. When the mind takes over, we are weighing our options. When the soul takes over, you are no longer on this plane. Instead, you are two steps outside your physical existence closer to the essence of who you could be, all the time if you only allowed your soul to speak.

I want to live in a world where everyone has become enlightened or more conscious, where everyone recognizes that inside, we are all the same.

Yes, I’m a dreamer but I love this about me.

 

I GROW SILENT DEAR SOULYOU SPEAK.RUMI

© Image Lynda Filler Photography 2018

 

 

Death…can I visit you there?

 

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I Spy Heaven

My dear friend Kristaline sent this note to me after a lover/friend died suddenly in 2011. I included it on the last page of my poetry book I (Spy) Love.

 

by Kristaline Shannon

It’s so awful when someone is afraid and so awesome when you can ease that fear. Your faith is strong; you will be amazing.

For me, for all of us, it is a park drawn out of sidewalk chalk. The colors don’t exist here and cannot be described but are beautiful. All the toys are made with the special chalk and Elijah and Rick guard the entrance from evil. There is no age or time. There is no pain and everyone you have ever loved or missed is there in some form or another. You have access to everything you ever wanted on an emotional level.

Rylee showed me the entrance just after Michael died. We were at the street fair and drawing on the street with chalk. She drew a blue pizza and said it was for Michael and I asked her why did you make it blue; and she said, “Michael likes blue.” I found the entrance next time I meditated.

 

 

more about life/love/death/dying/overcoming a death sentence: LOVE The Beat Goes On, a memoir

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Lockdown

 

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Lockdown

 

the first time ever I saw your face

I laughed out loud at your twitching mustache

and dancing soft gentle eyes

 

you teased me

and made me blush

and made me forget a

heart battered and bruised by life

         your smile became my hope

 

and I in turn awakened you from a long, long sleep

self-enforced heart prison

in mourning still for one who had died

 

and now the tables have turned, my love

and you are fighting for your life

and you have chosen to push me away

millions of heart miles between us

self-imposed-imprisonment

emotions on lockdown

         and still, I refuse to give up hope

 

I force myself upon your lonely heart

and make you angry

because I won’t go away

 

the first time ever I saw your face

I knew I would hold you in my heart forever

 

© Lockdown, LOVE REHAB

 

 

Love Attacks Back … a poem

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Love Attacks Back

 

I try…

it’s my game, you see

minutes, maybe an hour

tick by without thinking

and then all it takes is

a word, a love word, a laugh word

and your face fills my mind

and my heart swells with hope

 

for a brief moment, I allow hope

and then I remember

your pain

 

I think of you walking alone

death denying moments

a game you are losing

 

and I hate them all

and I want to stop 40,000 more at risk

and I don’t know how

 

big boy’s games

murderous filthy games

 

and then stillness comes over me

and love attacks back

 

it’s what you would want, I know

it’s what you would want me to remember

©Lynda Filler, LOVE REHAB

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LOVE REHAB  on Amazon

Help

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© Lynda Filler Photography 2017

 

Help

I feel (help)less

(dis)connected to you my love

worried

(in)sane

(in)complete

my heart sore

my body rests in increments

no longer sure

no longer in touch

with you

spirit to spirit

I cannot be sure

I do not know

how close (to life)

how near (to death)

I pray

 

© I (Spy) Love, Lynda Filler

 

What things in life you should never take for granted?

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  1. Never take for granted your best friend and lover—even when he pisses you off!! Because he could end up living in a hospital on life support, like mine.
  2. Your beauty—learn very early that beauty comes from inside. If you think it’s external you will never be happy.
  3. LOVE—take it often, give it all the time, and never ever forget that you are enough. If you don’t learn to love yourself, you might as well quit right now.
  4. Family and friendships. They may not be here for your entire life, but while they are, tell them you love them. Never miss an opportunity to say, “I love you!”
  5. Your life. As we have all seen by recent events in the US and around the world, natural disasters and man-made horrific events can take our lives away in an instant. Truly live each moment as if it’s your last and never stop making a positive difference in the lives around you.

What are the top five best decisions you ever made?

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  1. To leave my verbally abusive husband in 2002.
  2. To move to Mexico, find my soul and learn “I am enough.
  3. To start publishing in 2009: the musings of my heart. And the wacky creative stories that allow me to entertain thousands of people. Amazon.com: Lynda Filler: Books, Biography, Blog, Audiobooks, Kindle
  4. To put myself out there this year with my personal story of healing when I was given 6 months to live in 2008 LOVE The Beat Goes On.
  5. To answer an ad on a dating website placed by a 17 year old girl for her father. And making the decision to continue to love him even though he lives in a hospital and is considered terminal.

What is Love?

 

This is very personal… I wrote it this morning in honor of my bf of several years who has been hospitalized for a long long long time. He’s dying. But I will never give up hope.
What is love? Let me count the ways.
the moments throughout my day when I think about you and hope you’re not in pain
the six months when you were in a coma and I never heard from you but I NEVER gave up hope
the times when I do something, write something and think “G would like this” or “G wouldn’t like this.” The love/hate thing that exists in all love relationships
the way I think of you early in the morning and last thing at night
the way I laugh when another man tries to get my attention…. I shake my head and say to myself “G is an impossible act to follow”
the way I feel close to you, it’s like I talk to you and you’re not even here, but I feel as if you hear me
the way I sit in moments like right now, with many things to do and all I want to do is write to you
the way I long to go to Venice again but keep hoping for a miracle so that we can make that trip together and you can teach me about Opera and I can write poetry about love
the three books of poetry inspired by you, and a writing career that you gave me the strength to pursue
its the way I know that you would be my fierce protector if things were different
its the way everything I write, my determination to succeed, the photos I take, and the paintings I do are all done with you in the back of mind, always in honor of the things you can no longer do
it’s the way you took my hand one day when we first started seeing each other and we were walking down the street near Hotel Monaco, and I said to myself “I have a boyfriend”
the way not a moment has gone by since I met you—except when you piss me off—when I haven’t wished I was Your One, the One person you wanted by your side
the way I know that in a heart beat I’d give the life I know up to be by your side until “death do us part”

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but I knew, from the moment I saw your smile and looked into your eyes that you were the crazy one I’d been waiting for my whole life

 

FREE, LAST DAY… You Know You Want It

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Vintage Heart

 

she counted her heartbeats

were any missing

were they spaced correctly

had she left any struggling

lagging behind

l o s t

broken pieces of her heart

used/abused/refused-love pieces

 

and then one day

she found a nearly-new heart online

unused-sort of

still in it’s original wrapping

vintage

t e c h n i c a l l y

refurbished (used once circa 1975)

d e s t r o y e d

took decades to rebuild/remodel

r e c o n s t r u c t

 

they don’t make them like that anymore, she mused

true-blue too

 

is it mine for keeps she wondered

how could this delightful heart have gone

u n a t t a c h e d for so long?

 

she counted her heart beats again

then aligned them with her

new-found-heart-mate

in sync

dancing

stronger as two

overflowing with love

 

 

I (Spy) Love     Last day FREE