Pass GO and don’t stop until your heart is broken.

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I warned you if you follow my writing or my blog, I’m open and I get personal. So if that’s not your thing, best not to continue reading.

We live in a time when LOVE is all the rage; but who really knows what it means anymore? Is it sexual attraction because that’s what the media is all about? Is it soul-mates? There’s a word we never hear anymore. I think it’s all surface and no depth. But then, what do I know. All I can say is for some reason I must make some really bad choices because ‘real love’ eludes me…or does it?

I found the meaning of “unconditional love” several years ago.” I’d fallen in love with Navy SEAL and if you know anything about that life then you also know there’s very little that I can reveal. But at a crucial point in our relationship we each had a choice to make. His was following a higher calling, a belief that giving back was his purpose. He retired, then took off to Africa to work with orphans. I thought he’d take a plane to Mexico and be with me. So for two weeks I sulked and refused communications. And then I woke up one morning and I understood that this is unconditional love. If I truly loved him for everything he stands for, how could I stop loving him because MY heart hurt? So I gave myself a good talking to and began a four-month communication that will remain as an incredible time in my life. I rejoiced in everything he was accomplishing. He shared his life in photos and his heart with everything he was able to give me at the time. And then he died. I immortalized him in my writing. I know it would make him smile.

What is unconditional love? Maybe it means different things to different people. Sometimes we have to accept conditions that we hate, we despise, and we cannot change.  But does that mean we don’t love? Does that mean we hold back on our love? Does that mean we don’t want the best for those we love, even our romantic partners?

The second time I made a decision to love someone unconditionally has covered a span of eleven years. When your lover disappears on a “business trip” and you don’t see him for four months, it’s damn difficult as one of my friends would say. But it’s even worse when he goes on to spend the next part of his life in-and-out of hospitals trying to stay alive. And yeah, I have a thing for people who work in things they can never talk about. And if any bad guys are reading this, I know nothing of value. And being the eternal optimist, I waited a long long long time before I moved on with relationships. But the last  18 months he’s been on life support. He’s the bravest man I know. I will love him until the day I die. Every day I send a message and hope that he’s well enough to read it. I do it for him, and I do it for me. And yes, about every couple of weeks I get a message back. And no, I wouldn’t let me devote my life to be with him while he’s dying. He told me I had to move on with my life. Even though he knows I will never stop loving him because my love is unconditional.

And when I did move on and open up to love again, DAMN. I’m writing and shaking my head. What is it with me and impossible situations? This one is the most stupid, ridiculous, impossible, and heart-breaking one yet. But I’m dealing with it. Why does it always have to be f**king ‘unconditional?’

I have a mantra for the last ten years of my life. Every morning at 9 a.m. my communication devices remind me: I LOVE myself, and I am enough. And forgiving yourself for falling in love with the impossible, no future, no hope, makes no intellectual sense-man has to be the stupidest thing I’ve ever allowed myself to do. Pass GO and don’t stop until your heart is broken. So I will go into my cocoon and write it all out.

I always follow my heart, and that bitch makes me pay for it, over and over again.

Repeat after me: I love myself. I am enough.

Today I’ve written it a hundred times.

And I will continue until I believe it.

This too shall pass.

Unlock your passion

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I LOVE every word out of this man’s mouth.

If you haven’t met Jay Shetty, now is your opportunity. Most entrepreneurs talk about their ten rules of success. What I love about Jay’s message is how he blends the HEAD the HEART and the HAND. It’s not just about the intellectual obvious things of success, but following our life’s purpose and then finding our true purpose in making a difference in peoples lives. So if you’re currently in a rut, if you have achieved a level of success in society’s eyes, but you’re not doing something you love, then there is no heartfelt satisfaction in your accomplishment. And in the final analysis, it’s how we share our hearts with the world that truly gives deep and lasting happiness. When we find our true purpose there is something so deep and personal in the gratification we receive that we know in the deepest part of our being, that we are following our life’s purpose.

HEAD: What you want, the way you pick your path, your clarity of vision 

HEART: Understanding your heart and how your heart connects with your vision

HAND: Compassion and care, how we share and pay it forward or give back is where the three things connect and give us true meaning in our lives

When I started to publish my work, poetry was the way I shared my head and my heart. In those days, Myspace was a place for artists where we could connect and share what we felt passionate about. I had so many poems it was easy to look back and connect the dots and realize that each poetry book represented diaries of the life I was living at the time. In 2015 I had an opportunity to connect my vision of what I loved to read and what I wanted to write. So my Heart once again connected with my head and carried me forward. LOVE The Beat Goes On was so much more difficult to write because I laid bare my life, my emotional journey in the hopes it would help others go through their lives. And the payback is in the emails, the FB notes, the complete strangers who reach out and share their pain and how my memoir helped them realize they are not alone. The Hand.

So as difficult as it is to make it as an independent author in a sea of millions of others writing stories, I persevere and nothing can take me off my path. I write to share my vision of the world–as crazy and raunchy as it sometimes gets. I write to entertain, to surprise and sometimes shock because that’s the way of the world. And when my own books have moments of clarity of purpose, insights I never saw coming, I know I’ve found my life’s purpose.

My fondest wish for you today is that you too, find your life’s path and never live with regrets.

Love and gratitude for being part of my world,

Lynda

 

 

One of the things I do on almost a daily basis is “listen” to a YouTube video from Evan Carmichael.

Free works, right?

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FREE ON AMAZON

LOVE The Beat Goes On

When you write a memoir, there’s nowhere to hide.

When your cardiologist tells you to “Get your affairs in order, your heart condition is incurable,” what do you do?

Lynda shares her personal story in the typical fast-paced, edgy, in-your-face style she’s known for in her writing. She will walk you through her journey to self-love sharing her belief in journals, love, prayer, soul, spirituality and positive mindset.

She’s hard-hitting but compassionate. She writes about romantic experiences that may shock you but makes no apologies for her unconventional lifestyle. Nor does she hold back taking responsibility for the things that she believes created her dis-ease.

Reviewers say:

“Powerful and unforgettable”
“Invaluable for anyone confronted by physical conditions or illness … her story is truly inspirational,
LOVE The Beat Goes On is most highly recommended.” 
JackMagnus, 5 Stars

“This is a book every human alive should read and take away the lessons given. If I could give it ten stars, I would. It’s that good.” J. Sikes  5 Stars

This book is going in the birthday bags, Christmas stockings and every get-well package that I send this year. Lynda Filler’s journey through cardiomyopathy is amazing, inspiring, and thought-provoking about more than just illness. Anyone facing a major obstacle, a fork in the road, or looking to reinvent their lives would benefit from a journey through Lynda’s heart and soul story.” EFinn 5 stars

“An introspective read” “Quick, relatable…giving us a glimpse into the journey of a remarkable woman.”
Reviewed by Kayti Nika Raet 5 Stars

“It isn’t a medical professional book saying ‘do this, do that’ – it’s a living, breathing survivor stating, ‘look, this is what worked for me.’…learning to trust her own intuition to purification, letting go, and not being afraid to keep fighting; after all, as she herself reinforces, ‘You’re not dead yet.”
Reviewed by K. J. Simill  4 Stars 

“Her story is honest, straightforward, and powerful, and many readers will be able to connect well with her experiences and how her spirit came to believe that sometimes the impossible can be made possible with the way we think.”
Reviewed by Mamta Madhavan 4 Stars 

“Lynda’s focus on the emotional side of the battle against any disease is a very vital one, for if you are not in the right state of mind, the doctors’ efforts to save you might all be in vain. Her emphasis on the need to always listen to your body and not ignore any warning signs made this a compelling read.”
Reviewed by Faridah Nassozi  4 Stars

LOVE The Beat Goes On

Love front with quotes

Past lives? Angels? You decide.

 

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I usually don’t do first-person on my blog but when people come into your life and guide you towards a profound shift, I think it might help others. So here goes.

I’ve been suffering from chronic sinus challenges for decades. I had a minor operation which seemed to help—years ago. But certainly, for the last several years, it’s been an ugly challenge in my life. These past twelve months have been insane. It seems every month, I finish a dose of antibiotics and five days later, I’m back at the doctors. I keep telling myself, if that’s all that’s wrong with me, go with it and stop complaining. But—it’s not normal! Yes, I’ve done the x-rays—nothing abnormal. Even last summer when I went to Europe, I took antibiotics with me, the same way you might take your vitamins.

This brings me to yesterday. Since the 29th of December, I’ve spent 21 days on antibiotics and still, yesterday I was sure I had the infection back. This week I started treating myself with natural remedies, ginger, lemon juice, honey, cinnamon, and hot water and that has definitely made me feel better. And I lost 8 lbs. on VIVRI and that’s been great. Still, something happened the night before, I wasn’t feeling great, and I was all blocked up, and I went back to the doctor for another dose of sinus meds.

Can I say I love my new doctor? She’s young, Mexican, beautiful and very smart. But more than that, she’s caring. She’s also the one who gave me my last dose of medication about three weeks ago. She checked me out and shook her head. No, there’s no infection and then she said: Tell me about your life.

I looked around. I had trouble looking her in the eye. And I started to cry. Not a big cry or a sobbing… just leaking. You know what I mean? I told her about my personal life–she started to ask about sex but I wasn’t going there at all! And here she is, a stranger who wants to take the time to help you when your physical problems might just be related to your emotional life…

You see, I have this friend who has been dying for years…and years…and yet holds on. It’s as if we both live in limbo. And I can’t go forward and we can’t go back and change the past. I can’t leave and I can’t let go. I suppose I shouldn’t be surprised. I think I’m addicted to home renovation shows because the family’s happiness at the end allows me to cry. I don’t cry—ever. But lately, the tears come at awkward moments. Like yesterday, with a doctor, I hardly know.

I sat there in front of this wonderful caring young woman and I couldn’t speak. I knew. I just knew that whatever she was thinking at that moment, was correct. Sometimes the things we hold in emotionally have to find their way to the surface somehow. I can go back in my life right now and measure the worst bouts I’ve had with this physical problem and see that they are truly connected to issues of my emotional heart. When my marriage was dissolving in Whistler, when I split with C, and now…

I’m kind of surprised at myself that I never made the connection. After all, I wrote LOVE, The Beat Goes On about the emotional aspects of healing and how I worked on my emotional heart and healed it after I was given six months to live in 2008. I told her about that part of my story, and the Shaman in Sedona, and my fractured soul. And I sat there and shook my head. Unshed tears. Years and years of hope and despair and hope again. An old expression came into my mind as I write this blog: Sometimes we can’t see the forest for the trees.

She refused to take payment for my visit, instead, she asked for a hug. I left her office with a new understanding. Yes, people do come into your life for a reason. And I do believe in angels and past-lives.

I’ve taken the first step. I’m opening myself up to dealing with something I’ve buried for so long. I think I’m tired of caring for everyone else and it’s time to wrap myself up in my fleecy robe and learn to love myself all over again.

I think my mother is watching over me from wherever our spirits go when we die, and sent me an earthly angel to help me move on from sorrow and find my light again.

 

 

 

 

“Meet me at the door naked.”

 

I have the power to chooseI choose LOVE

I’m not the first person to be told I’m dying, or to get my affairs in order, or at most I have six months to live. But there’s something about my story that is resonating with readers. And one person tells another, and another, and buys a book for a friend or a family member. And that’s how it starts.

Birthing this book has been super emotional. How do I write a story that isn’t too personal or what should be kept private? What’s the difference between telling the truth, and telling my truthHow can I be true to myself and the reader without divulging potentially dangerous confidences?

So I waited to write this story. But I realized the time might never be right. I mean, if I waited to be sure that my healing “took” then I’d have to wait until…I never died? I know that’s just too weird. How do you measure a successful healing? When do you determine a safe time to say: I’ve been healed long enough to make the claim that I’m healed and therefore I can/will/should write my story now?

I started this blog, or rambling journal entry, because I think I know why so many can relate to my story. I’m so open, so raw. You can ask me anything and I will answer. I put it all out there, and suggest that you pick out the parts that you think will help you on your journey,  and throw away the rest.

Most of all I remind you that it’s all about LOVE. I have the power to choose. I choose LOVE.

It makes my heart sing to know that you can relate and that I have helped you or someone you love, in some small way.

What I really want to say is thank you.

 

 

Help

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© Lynda Filler Photography 2017

 

Help

I feel (help)less

(dis)connected to you my love

worried

(in)sane

(in)complete

my heart sore

my body rests in increments

no longer sure

no longer in touch

with you

spirit to spirit

I cannot be sure

I do not know

how close (to life)

how near (to death)

I pray

 

© I (Spy) Love, Lynda Filler

 

Death Sentence

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Six months death sentence.

In 2008 I was told my heart condition was not responding to medication and to get my affairs in order. I’ve never been known to back down from a challenge so I fought back. And I’m still here baby!!

This is what other’s are saying about my story published on Amazon.

“uplifting and insightful. Powerful and unforgettable” JackMagnus, 5 Star Readers’ Favorite

“You (your book) have been so encouraging after a cardiomyopathy diagnosis. The doctor had NOTHING encouraging to say. I left his office in shock.” anonymous to respect privacy.

“Her story is honest, straightforward, and powerful, and many readers will be able to connect well with her experiences and how her spirit came to believe that sometimes the impossible can be made possible with the way we think.”
Reviewed by Mamta Madhavan

Her emphasis on the need to always listen to your body and not ignore any warning signs made this a compelling read.”

“I know any number of people who have been given a death sentence and suffer years of treatment. When Lynda Filler was given this same prognosis, she decided to defy the odds and embrace life. Her choice to believe the impossible and live the imaginable is truly inspirational. I loved her energy, her zest for life – both of which are evident on every page of this book.” G. Plano
 
This is a book every human alive should read and take away the lessons given. If I could give it ten stars, I would. It’s that good.” J. Sikes

 

My story is a crazy miraculous journey. I hope you enjoy it and get a copy for family and friends. #LOVE

 

A woman of privilege and passion…

 

 

Screen Shot 2017-02-19 at 1.44.59 PMI drive people crazy!! My exes, my kids, and my staff—when I held down a corporate job! I believe people are innately good. I’m the eternal optimist! I want the best for my friends, my family and—if you can believe this—my ex-boyfriends and ex-husbands. Yes, of course, a woman with such a flaw would have a series of exes and unfulfilling relationships.

When I healed my physically broken heart (I was diagnosed in 2008 and given 6 months to live), I started to write my story. And then a coach/mentor said to me: “But what if you die?” So I stopped writing the story and waited to relapse. And then my “eternal optimist” flaw kicked in and I published LOVE The Beat Goes On this year. F**k her! And yes, I swear—I can’t seem to fix that either.

I’ve been called “A woman of privilege and passion” (by a jealous reviewer.) She said it like it’s a bad thing. If believing in love and life and healing, and doing everything I can in my emotional power to work towards a great life, is “leading a life of privilege” so be it.

Yes, I have haters. And they attack me through my books, and probably whisper about me behind my back, and for sure wish that I would change. But as much as the world would like me to be a pessimist, to follow the path of the average depressed man/woman, I can’t seem to do it. It’s not me!

One of my best friends calls me Kumbaya Lady! I know she loves me but she wishes I would change. I too am waiting for the myth of “old age depression” to kick it, but something tells me that it isn’t going to happen!

 

 

“Powerful and unforgettable” J. Magnus, Readers’ Favorite 5 Stars

“This is a book every human alive should read and take away the lessons given. If I could give it ten stars, I would. It’s that good.” J. Sikes, 5 Stars

 

I’m not that kind of girl…

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“Powerful and unforgettable” JackMagnus, 5 Star Readers’ Favorite

This is a book every human alive should read and take away the lessons given. If I could give it ten stars, I would. It’s that good.”J. Sikes
excerpt from LOVE The Beat Goes On:

 

7

Event One: My Cowboy

I’ll always remember his faded tan cowboy boots — scuffed, old, comfy — and the sky blue denim shirt stretched taut across powerful broad shoulders — my cowboy, as I refer to him. And I’ll definitely never forget that lustful smile on his lips when I answered his knock on my hotel room door.

I was naked… sort of.

I’m not usually that kind of girl… except the times when I am. And that was one of those times. I stood just inside the door to a room with a luxurious king-sized bed, surrounded by floor-to-ceiling glass, on the twenty-eighth floor of the Sheraton Wall Center, and was wrapped in a gauzy pink beach wrap. A girl has to meet a dare, right?

“So even though you’re cheating with that pink sheer wrap, I’m impressed.” Standing six feet and a few inches, Dr. Evil flashed that silly, young, boyish smile and kissed me softly on my lips.

I brushed stray strands of the softest, dusty-brown hair out of his sexy, grey eyes and laughed, proud of my sophisticated nakedness and ready for wherever the evening would take us.

It may be difficult for you to align your thoughts that a spiritual woman and a “meet me at the door naked” first-date type of girl can exist within one person. But that’s who I am. By now, you may have deduced that there is nothing traditional about me. I don’t believe in picket fences, and for some reason, have always been allergic to wedding bands. It’s not that I don’t want to be married. Not at all. I love the idea. I just can’t seem to figure out how to make the happily-ever-after part of it work.

But then, as I write these words, one of the secrets of my healing stares right back at me — How could you love another, Lynda, when you’ve never really felt you, yourself, was worthy of love?

Definitely a bad affirmation, but at that time in my life, I still had a lot of self-love issues that needed my attention.

It was December 21, 2007, just four days before Christmas, and in front of me stood my dream man. I had visualized him in my mind and had written down my wish list of attributes — age appropriate, successful nerd (he even looks like Bill Gates), living in Seattle (only because that’s the home of Starbucks & Amazon), handsome, fun, and single.

His seventeen-year-old daughter and her girlfriends were the ones who’d prepared his online profile — without a photo — on the dating site where I’d stumbled across him. Yes, he’d known about it, sanctioned it even, but they’d had to do the work. They’d tirelessly sifted through numerous responding women, and I was one of their top choices.

After many hours getting to know each other on Skype and Yahoo, as much as two people can know each other who’ve never actually met, there he and I finally were, meeting in person.

As I previously mentioned, our online-relationship began while I was still living in Mexico and I was supposed to stop in Seattle so we could finally meet in person. But I’d gotten lost and stood him up. However, I was forgiven and have been ridiculously infatuated ever since I looked into his mischievous, gentle, grey eyes.

There was also sadness within those eyes. Throughout our first evening, I learned about the woman he’d loved, who had died a few years before from Multiple Sclerosis. With all my man’s scientific brilliance, he cursed himself because he hadn’t been able to find the answers to save her.

As our night unfolded, and well into the next day, we shared our pain and our hopes, and continued to build a strong bond. I knew from the first time we chatted online we had something special. And now that we were physically together, I only wanted to hold him and take away his pain.

This would turn out to be a major event in my life. Our time together was magical.

But life has a way…

 

 

© LOVE The Beat Goes On

 

 

Do you know your Spirit Animal?

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Mine came to me in the form of a dozen or more Sand Hawks swirling twenty feet or so above my head.

Sand Hawks make their home along Mexico’s West Coast in the Puerto Vallarta region where I live. I never noticed them until a friend of mine passed away in November of 2011. I live a rich spiritual/metaphysical/healing life and have worked with Shamans to cure the incurable. But I’d never really thought about totem animals until a visit to Sedona in 2008. After that I was more aware of their presence and messages but once back in Mexico in 2009, I hadn’t been adopted by the various totems that inhabit my area–at least none had made their presence known until that morning in 2011.

At first, I was shaken. These sand hawks could have around 4-5 feet wingspan. Imagine twenty or so swirling up above me as I walked to my car in the lot behind my condo. I have my own theory on why they came into my world at that precise moment. First of all, my friend was a warrior, a Navy SEAL. He didn’t die in the line of duty–I don’t think but I can’t say for sure because he was in another country. I believe he sent them to me to let me know that he was guarding my life, from another world. At least that’s my interpretation.

They visited me often for months. And then they would disappear soaring somewhere else around the Bay of Banderas. I noticed in the last several months, they’ve been missing. This morning they came back.

Hawk spirit animals invite us to be focused in our daily undertakings. When you feel the presence of the hawk totem, avoid distractions and focus on the task at hand.

At the same time, hawks can soar and fly high in the sky. This animal has the power to provide support in gaining a higher level perspective on any issue or project you undertake. When the hawk appears in your life, it’s perhaps time to be less distracted by the details and focus on the higher perspective. Relying on the hawk power, you can see what’s ahead clearly and defy any obstacles that may be on your way. A specific way the hawk guidance works is to use a high level and yet clear and focused vision to guide your action.

Hawks symbolize the power of observation. This spirit animal’s guidance may also indicate that you have the opportunity to study a situation before taking action. Observe the situation and then act when the time is right.

The hawk spirit animal is associated with the power of vision. If you have the hawk as a totem, you have or are developing the ability to see clearly and have strong visions. Perhaps, you even use clairvoyant skills to support your goals in life and communication with others.

In numerous traditions, the hawk has a strong relationship with the world of the gods. Some of this symbolism has persisted in modern mythology and beliefs. In Ancient Egypt, the belief was that a hawk-headed spirit called “ba” would fly off a mummy to come back among the living as a hawk or swallow. The hawk symbolized a part of the soul that would be freed up after death and come back to the world of the living in the shape of a bird. It was also the animal of choice for the god Horus, god of the sky, who was represented with a hieroglyph depicting a falcon or hawk.

Welcome back, my friend. I’ve missed you.

 

 

 

reference: http://www.spiritanimal.info/hawk-spirit-animal/