I am who I am looking for…

I am who I have been looking for…

We are all searching for something. And maybe this message is it.

I want to give you something of who I am and how I see the world. I hope this video will make you smile. 

I’m counting down the days to my voyage of discovery. I visualized this journey for years. And now that I’ve made the decision to travel for a few months, I admit it, I’m nervous yet so very, very excited.

Still, let me not forget that no matter where I go and what I do, I take myself with me“I am the one I’ve been looking for, and I am already enough.”

I’ve spent an hour listening to this video over and over again. This is my gift to you. I hope you love the message and that it’s exactly what you need to hear today.

I am enough.

How do you justify loving someone, when he or she is not interested in you?

A Quora question that I answered today that totally spoke to my heart:

 

I would call that “unconditional love.” I learned unconditional love when I was in a relationship with someone who chose to do Missionary work rather than to be with me. I told myself that he was just not interested enough in me! I was so sad, messed up, disappointed. I cursed him, hated him, for two weeks. (The incidents surrounding our relationship filled a poetry book!)  And then I had a really good talk with myself.

If you love someone unconditionally, you must accept that they may have values, dreams, goals that take precedence over you.

Once I accepted that I loved him “unconditionally’ we continued a relationship by mail, email, letters, and became incredibly close. It was an honor for me to have experienced his heart. I will cherish his communications with me always.

He died 4 months later in South Sudan. After he passed, he’d left someone to stay in touch with me for a year. I called him my bodyguard–and that’s definitely a future book. It seemed my dear friend had left me his journals. Unfortunately for me, my bodyguard refused to turn them over. He said they were too dangerous for those who were still alive. I knew my friend had never married nor had children. But he had saved money and had substantial investments. I discovered he used his money to support 15 orphanages around the world–mostly Africa, the Middle East, and Mexico.

So to answer your question, he gave me far more of his heart than I could ever have experienced if he had given up his life’s’ work to be with me. One day I will write his story.

I (Spy) Love 

Almost There

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Image may be subject to ©

green intense

light of love

heart love

pulsating

tears rolling down

the pale blue window

inside my mind’s eye

the right side, a film playing

over

and over again

 

heart pain silent relentless

take it away I beg

make it go away

 

intense lights bright

smiles and miles of warmth

take me, please

take me there

take me into his arms

let me touch his hair

let my lips brush his cheek

let me smile with him

let me feel his love

 

straw fields break through

electric blue sky

closer, closer I beg

I can feel I’m almost there

 

swirling turquoise water, is that ocean?

is this what your home is like?

will you take me there

 

are those people I see

wait, talk to me, don’t leave yet

I’m almost there

Mom, can you bring me over

yes, I can feel your smile

don’t you love him too?

 

I know my dream is over

the sun is heating up my room

my left side wants to fly

my right, dead weight here

 

I walked with a child

he was sad and sullen

I took his hand

and told him to dance with me

he smiled and twirled

 

and then he was no longer there

 

on an edge of a bathtub

you sat with me

a stranger holding a gun

told us to get inside

our time was up

it was time to die

 

I felt no fear

I was ready to go

I would follow you anywhere

 

© Almost There, I (Spy) Love Lynda Filler Poet

 

The Art of Love

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The Art of Love

 

a moments rest

time to digest

the thoughts of him

his illness

my Love

so long ago

and yet

always clear

present

and near

 

words

uninvited

the sound of his voice teasing

knowing that something

was not

quite

right

 

the solemn day

rushes up to me

grabs my heart

squeezes old tears

demands of me

an/swer/s (to questions) I don’t want to hear

 

what are you doing sweet heart

there is an art to love

have you been asleep

throughout your life

are you too busy

looking for Love

to follow the rules?

 

there is no logic to Love, I respond

it cannot be dissected

ana/lyz/ed

filed

it does not fit

into

patterns

principles and strategies

there are no rules

to Love

 

the art is in the Loving

in the selflessness

in the joy of knowing

your beloved feels safe

and loved

 

the Art is in the Love

 

and for this Love

I would do anything

 

and so

I do nothing

 

© The Art of Love, I (Spy) Love 

 

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God, do you hear me?

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Images may be subject to copyright. Thanks.

 

Full Circle

 

and so we have come

full circle

a young woman

alone with her dreams

her heart full

a desire to serve

faith in following

in knowing

without needing understanding

 

and yet

feelings unanswered

humility sought

never found

never truly accepted

left yearning for life

for love

for a man

she has yet to meet

 

and it seemed

not enough

to sacrifice a father

and then a lover

to wars, she refused to acknowledge

but now

we’ve come full circle

You keep winning

and I keep losing

 

I’m keeping score

three times

you’re out

 

Full Circle, I (Spy) Love, © Lynda Filler

Death…can I visit you there?

 

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I Spy Heaven

My dear friend Kristaline sent this note to me after a lover/friend died suddenly in 2011. I included it on the last page of my poetry book I (Spy) Love.

 

by Kristaline Shannon

It’s so awful when someone is afraid and so awesome when you can ease that fear. Your faith is strong; you will be amazing.

For me, for all of us, it is a park drawn out of sidewalk chalk. The colors don’t exist here and cannot be described but are beautiful. All the toys are made with the special chalk and Elijah and Rick guard the entrance from evil. There is no age or time. There is no pain and everyone you have ever loved or missed is there in some form or another. You have access to everything you ever wanted on an emotional level.

Rylee showed me the entrance just after Michael died. We were at the street fair and drawing on the street with chalk. She drew a blue pizza and said it was for Michael and I asked her why did you make it blue; and she said, “Michael likes blue.” I found the entrance next time I meditated.

 

 

more about life/love/death/dying/overcoming a death sentence: LOVE The Beat Goes On, a memoir

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Rooms… a poem

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Rooms

 

my heart has many rooms

and in these rooms

I find old stories

sadness, pain, loss

and incredible moments

of joy

and love

 

I would not (ex)change

the lows

for were they not

a high waiting to happen?

were they not a fearful no

aching to become a jubilant yes!

 

if I fill my heart

with love(s)

one day I am sure

there will be no room

for bad

or sad

and (love) memories will sustain me

as I find my way Home

 

© Rooms, I (Spy) Love 

 

I (Spy) Love

I (SPY) LOVE COMPLETE-2

 

Run Off

 

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© Lynda Filler Photography 2017

 

 

Run Off

 

 

the skies open up

screamed in anger

poured down hurt

 

Mother Natures broken home

hurling, swirling, raging

promising revenge

 

silver swords striking

palm trees split

no longer swaying

 

rivers running mad

overflowing emotion

depression. insanity. incomprehension. exhaustion.

 

tears abate

 

flooded roads

all lead back to you

 

© I (Spy) Love, Lynda Filler

 

 

Hope

 

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© Lynda Filler Photography

 

 

 

Hope

I know you are

a fantasy

                                                                             and still

 

I never

give up hope

 

 

 

 

© Lynda Filler, I (Spy) Love