How do you justify loving someone, when he or she is not interested in you?

A Quora question that I answered today that totally spoke to my heart:

 

I would call that “unconditional love.” I learned unconditional love when I was in a relationship with someone who chose to do Missionary work rather than to be with me. I told myself that he was just not interested enough in me! I was so sad, messed up, disappointed. I cursed him, hated him, for two weeks. (The incidents surrounding our relationship filled a poetry book!)  And then I had a really good talk with myself.

If you love someone unconditionally, you must accept that they may have values, dreams, goals that take precedence over you.

Once I accepted that I loved him “unconditionally’ we continued a relationship by mail, email, letters, and became incredibly close. It was an honor for me to have experienced his heart. I will cherish his communications with me always.

He died 4 months later in South Sudan. After he passed, he’d left someone to stay in touch with me for a year. I called him my bodyguard–and that’s definitely a future book. It seemed my dear friend had left me his journals. Unfortunately for me, my bodyguard refused to turn them over. He said they were too dangerous for those who were still alive. I knew my friend had never married nor had children. But he had saved money and had substantial investments. I discovered he used his money to support 15 orphanages around the world–mostly Africa, the Middle East, and Mexico.

So to answer your question, he gave me far more of his heart than I could ever have experienced if he had given up his life’s’ work to be with me. One day I will write his story.

I (Spy) Love 

Love, seriously?

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Why is it that the one you love, never seems to love you back enough? Why is it, the one you don’t love, pours out his heart as if you are the last woman on earth? And his heart will be crushed, broken into a gazillion pieces (I have no idea what that would be in gigabytes-their language, not mine) if I don’t concede I’m “the woman he’s been searching for” his whole life?

Why is it when you’re following your dreams, and your gifts surround you, and beckon to you with love and joy, that you can’t see the forest for the trees? And tears flow when someone smiles at you and offers kindness?

Why is it that in a world gone mad, fast and furious political mayhem, disasters plaguing all continents, that my personal needs are the only thing I can focus on? Where is my social awareness? I assume it’s overwhelmed with self-pity, sometimes hanging on every word from you as if I can’t breathe if I don’t hear your voice or feel your love.

Before I met you, I took pleasure in simple things. Life was un/complicated un/interesting un/demanding. I asked less of me and nothing from you–because I didn’t know I would find those feelings for another ever again in my life.

And, it’s not like I didn’t have that conversation with myself. You know the one, yeh, the one where you tell yourself that this is too good to last, too intense to sustain, too passionate to be real.

The falling in love is the best part, the living in love better yet, the living in uncertainty–there is nothing worse.

I thought I left those days behind me. But then you turned up. I sighed, knowing this was not going to be good, right?

Dear Heart, really??? Don’t you think you’ve had enough? After all, we healed from incurable once before! Do you have to turn incurable (of the romantic kind) into a habit?

I thought normal, sane, controlled, ordinary (my version anyway) and calm were doing just fine.

“And then there was you.”

 

How to deal with a broken heart…

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Have you ever been in a position where someone was crying out for help with romantic issues and you didn’t know how to save her? I was talking to a friend recently and I felt her sense of hopelessness. I did some research on the internet.

I came across this super cynical quote, needless to say, it’s anonymous!

“I have a better piece of advice: Don’t ever fall in love in the first place. Just don’t do it. It always leads to heartbreak and it’s never worth it. If you never let yourself fall in love with anyone, then you will never have to worry about getting over a broken heart. It’s as simple as that.”

My friend is a writer, which makes it double-challenging because you already know she lives in her head. And she’s an incurable romantic–10X the romance part. Imagine where her mind takes her! But here’s the crux of her challenge. When she’s feeling okay, she deals really well with the stress of career vs. following her dreams and her heart. But when she becomes ill, and her life goes into slow motion, watch out. She spirals quickly.

You see, she won’t admit it even to herself, but she’s fallen in love with an impossible situation. There’s no point in going into the details. If you think of all the things that make a sensible relationship work–or not work–the ‘not work part’ that’s her relationship. Status, family, distance, goals, dreams, the list is endless. There is no way to console her. And let me tell you, I’ve tried. I’m the eternal optimist. It doesn’t matter what happens in life, I will find a positive spin. But I can’t seem to help my dear friend out of this one. Nope. She’s inconsolable.

I tried laughter. I told her to go get her hair done, shop, have a massage–that always works, right? But her only response to me was this:

“When I met him, I had a good talk with myself. I saw the impossibility even as I found myself falling hard. I know I’m in love with a man who’s all wrong for me. But in my heart, he’s the guy I’ve waited for my whole life. He’s not my first love, but I feel he will be my last. When I feel normal, I can deal with the sadness. But when I’m sick, it all comes to the surface and all I want to do is cry and hide from the world.”

I’m at a loss with suggestions for dealing with self-pity. Could she be depressed and has been hiding it even from herself?

I found a few suggestions on how to deal with a broken heart. I’m not sure they will work but maybe I can try sharing them with her.

  1. Take heart, you will get through this, (I tried that. She ignored me.)
  2. Talk to someone who cares. (that’s not working.)
  3. Let yourself feel the pain. (She is definitely doing that.)
  4. Learn something from this experience. (If I say that to her right now, she’s likely to hit me!)
  5. Don’t fall in love again!! (Well, at least that one made her laugh out loud!)

And, finally, I added the one that really made her smile “This shit will make for a really great book!”

and the beat goes on…

 



Check out Lynda’s  latest release on inexplicable #LOVE

 Lie To Me an exposé on sex for money

 

 

 

Lovers… a poem

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Lovers

 

I look for you in darkness

moments when my heart

skips beats, breathless

with longing

and I pray for you

to rescue me

 

I look for you in aloneness

moments full and complete

wanting to share

in that middle place

where lovers go

and souls mate

 

I look for you in Paris

while lovers laugh

hands held

dreams shared

memories made

never to be repeated

 

I look for you

but you’re not here

 

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© Lovers, I (Spy) Love Lynda Filler

 

#1 Love Rehab on Amazon, thank you.

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Lip Service

I taste a salty tear,

let it fall

the furrows aging my face

no longer smiling

the pain

raw

 

it seems with time

I remember

too much, too clear, too sad

 

did you tell my sister you loved me?

that I was distant?

             explain to me how an infant can be distant

 

it matters not, now,

 

I accepted your cool demeanor

all the while thinking there was something wrong with me

 

when my babies were born

you asked me should you come

             how could you ask me

             why didn’t you need to be with me?

(I was so scared)

             didn’t you want to hold them?

a newborn baby, a gift of God,

your grandchild

a baby powder bundle of love

 

it’s my birthday soon,

yours two weeks later

 

I face my sad

I am healing

 

I offer lip-service-forgiveness

I’m not sure I will ever understand you

 

© Lip Service, LOVE REHAB 

 

FREE and #1 Amazon Contemporary Poetry Books

2

Mis-Understand

 

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Mis-Understand

 

I don’t try to understand your pain

nor empathize with what you gain

by making choices of denial

waiting for time to pass

all the while forgetting

how

to

live

 

I don’t try to understand

a choice to abstain

from love and passion

intimacy that is a God-given-gift

the closest we can ever come to

Heaven

on

Earth

 

I do understand

death and war

for death is a beginning

and wars are never ending

but Love is eternal

 

and more than that

I must agree

with the Rabbi’s message

sent to me

“the greatest of these is Love”

 

© I (Spy) Love, Lynda Filler

True Lies

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I found you lurking in (MY)space

our relationship began with confusion

moved on to peel away layers of illusion

progressed to disillusion

and yet

still

I can’t seem to turn away

 

I cursed you

refused to converse with you

deleted, refuted, denied your cyber presence

all the while knowing that if you had skin

I was embedded underneath it

pushing your buttons

inflating member(s)

pumping up the volume of your deceitful heart

pretending (to myself)

that I was special

 

and all the while

you play(ed) me

and I play(ed) you

neither of us wanting to let go

 

I never bought the grill

(I did buy that “something satin with lace”)

I never trusted your promises

although I wanted to believe your true lies

 

so here we lie years later

volumes of heart space occupied by smoke

mirroring each other

never making the connection

alone

with our fantasies
© Lynda Filler, True Lies   I (Spy) Love

I’m not that kind of girl…

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“Powerful and unforgettable” JackMagnus, 5 Star Readers’ Favorite

This is a book every human alive should read and take away the lessons given. If I could give it ten stars, I would. It’s that good.”J. Sikes
excerpt from LOVE The Beat Goes On:

 

7

Event One: My Cowboy

I’ll always remember his faded tan cowboy boots — scuffed, old, comfy — and the sky blue denim shirt stretched taut across powerful broad shoulders — my cowboy, as I refer to him. And I’ll definitely never forget that lustful smile on his lips when I answered his knock on my hotel room door.

I was naked… sort of.

I’m not usually that kind of girl… except the times when I am. And that was one of those times. I stood just inside the door to a room with a luxurious king-sized bed, surrounded by floor-to-ceiling glass, on the twenty-eighth floor of the Sheraton Wall Center, and was wrapped in a gauzy pink beach wrap. A girl has to meet a dare, right?

“So even though you’re cheating with that pink sheer wrap, I’m impressed.” Standing six feet and a few inches, Dr. Evil flashed that silly, young, boyish smile and kissed me softly on my lips.

I brushed stray strands of the softest, dusty-brown hair out of his sexy, grey eyes and laughed, proud of my sophisticated nakedness and ready for wherever the evening would take us.

It may be difficult for you to align your thoughts that a spiritual woman and a “meet me at the door naked” first-date type of girl can exist within one person. But that’s who I am. By now, you may have deduced that there is nothing traditional about me. I don’t believe in picket fences, and for some reason, have always been allergic to wedding bands. It’s not that I don’t want to be married. Not at all. I love the idea. I just can’t seem to figure out how to make the happily-ever-after part of it work.

But then, as I write these words, one of the secrets of my healing stares right back at me — How could you love another, Lynda, when you’ve never really felt you, yourself, was worthy of love?

Definitely a bad affirmation, but at that time in my life, I still had a lot of self-love issues that needed my attention.

It was December 21, 2007, just four days before Christmas, and in front of me stood my dream man. I had visualized him in my mind and had written down my wish list of attributes — age appropriate, successful nerd (he even looks like Bill Gates), living in Seattle (only because that’s the home of Starbucks & Amazon), handsome, fun, and single.

His seventeen-year-old daughter and her girlfriends were the ones who’d prepared his online profile — without a photo — on the dating site where I’d stumbled across him. Yes, he’d known about it, sanctioned it even, but they’d had to do the work. They’d tirelessly sifted through numerous responding women, and I was one of their top choices.

After many hours getting to know each other on Skype and Yahoo, as much as two people can know each other who’ve never actually met, there he and I finally were, meeting in person.

As I previously mentioned, our online-relationship began while I was still living in Mexico and I was supposed to stop in Seattle so we could finally meet in person. But I’d gotten lost and stood him up. However, I was forgiven and have been ridiculously infatuated ever since I looked into his mischievous, gentle, grey eyes.

There was also sadness within those eyes. Throughout our first evening, I learned about the woman he’d loved, who had died a few years before from Multiple Sclerosis. With all my man’s scientific brilliance, he cursed himself because he hadn’t been able to find the answers to save her.

As our night unfolded, and well into the next day, we shared our pain and our hopes, and continued to build a strong bond. I knew from the first time we chatted online we had something special. And now that we were physically together, I only wanted to hold him and take away his pain.

This would turn out to be a major event in my life. Our time together was magical.

But life has a way…

 

 

© LOVE The Beat Goes On