I’ve finally accepted that I’m addicted to LOVE

I’ve finally accepted that I’m addicted to LOVE. I write about it, I’m either in-or-out of it, and I live my life and make choices around it.

I’m still a work-in-progress. At this stage of life, you’d think I’d have it all figured out, but that’s never going to be the case. I’ve chosen to love in unconventional ways and without the restrictions of conditions.

I’ve recently made a decision to change the course of my life. After living in Mexico for many years, I’ve liquidated my life and hopped on a jet plane. I’m currently in Paris and in two days, I’ll be in Frankfurt, then New Delhi, and will continue going to the Middle East, Asia, Malaysia and Indonesia.

Here’s what runs through my mind:

all my bags are packed and i’m ready to go

i’m standin here outside your door, i hate to wake you up to say goodbye, but the dawn is breakin it’s early morn

the taxi’s waitin, he’s blowin his horn

already i’m so lonesome i could die

so kiss me and smile for me, tell me that you’ll wait for me, hold me like you’ll never let me go

cause i’m leavin on a jet plane, don’t know if i’ll be back again

“Leaving On A Jet Plane” Lyrics

Yes, with self-knowledge comes self-acceptance. The choices I’ve made give me tremendous highs, and not-so-lovely lows. But this is who I am. And my life has been significantly improved because I learned to love unconditionally.

 

To learn more about Lynda Filler read LOVE The Beat Goes On A Memoir

Does Happily Ever After Exist?

It’s been a while since I worked on a novel. I have four storylines that are competing for my attention, and I can’t seem to focus in on one over the other. So I get my dose of daily writing when I hang out on Quora for a bit. I thought you might enjoy my answer to a rather shallow question. It might be TMI, but then, those of you who know me understand that I’m an open book, a work in progress, and a constantly evolving woman.

This month I’m packing up my life. I’ve sold everything and will begin a journey to places I’ve never been. I have a set departure and a few locations in France, India, Turkey, and Israel that are booked. But once I arrive in Bangkok, I will be free-falling… I have no set date of return to Mexico, although my friends who’ve become a family, believe I will return. I’m not sure.

This is going to be an interesting time. I will blog, post photos here and on IG, FB, Twitter. And I’ll do live videos on FB and my YouTube channel. I promise it will be fun, and a bit crazy. I see the world in strange and wondrous ways.

Back to Quora and the question I couldn’t resist answering: Am I shallow to want to date a woman with a fuller figure?

We all have our preferences. Some of us take a lifetime to truly understand what we like. I’m attracted to eyes. They mirror not only the soul but kindness and mischief. When a man looks at me with ‘those eyes’ I’m in trouble! And a very good kind of trouble it is!

So first it’s eyes, then it’s soul, then it’s brains—I love smart men. They’re usually cocky and annoying and can make you feel inadequate in a way that’s rather adorable. They are adult men with this immense sense of wonder about the subjects that fascinate them. And even though the subjects may be way out of reach for me, I’m wildly attracted to the light, that almost childish sense of wonder as they work through their discoveries, day after day.

And then there is sexy. That comes in all shapes and sizes but I definitely have a type in that area too. I won’t reveal myself because then I’d be at a disadvantage. I get a reaction, an immediate jolt when I find someone attractive. It’s generally mutual. If it’s not, I ignore the feelings and move on.

Am I shallow? Yes. In some ways that I won’t go into here. I have definite physical things that work for me and I haven’t met anyone yet who doesn’t fit into my likes. Maybe I will one day…

I’m still looking for ‘the one’ who makes my heart sing, speaks to my soul, who will love me and show me that happily ever after truly exists.

Pass GO and don’t stop until your heart is broken.

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I warned you if you follow my writing or my blog, I’m open and I get personal. So if that’s not your thing, best not to continue reading.

We live in a time when LOVE is all the rage; but who really knows what it means anymore? Is it sexual attraction because that’s what the media is all about? Is it soul-mates? There’s a word we never hear anymore. I think it’s all surface and no depth. But then, what do I know. All I can say is for some reason I must make some really bad choices because ‘real love’ eludes me…or does it?

I found the meaning of “unconditional love” several years ago.” I’d fallen in love with Navy SEAL and if you know anything about that life then you also know there’s very little that I can reveal. But at a crucial point in our relationship we each had a choice to make. His was following a higher calling, a belief that giving back was his purpose. He retired, then took off to Africa to work with orphans. I thought he’d take a plane to Mexico and be with me. So for two weeks I sulked and refused communications. And then I woke up one morning and I understood that this is unconditional love. If I truly loved him for everything he stands for, how could I stop loving him because MY heart hurt? So I gave myself a good talking to and began a four-month communication that will remain as an incredible time in my life. I rejoiced in everything he was accomplishing. He shared his life in photos and his heart with everything he was able to give me at the time. And then he died. I immortalized him in my writing. I know it would make him smile.

What is unconditional love? Maybe it means different things to different people. Sometimes we have to accept conditions that we hate, we despise, and we cannot change.  But does that mean we don’t love? Does that mean we hold back on our love? Does that mean we don’t want the best for those we love, even our romantic partners?

The second time I made a decision to love someone unconditionally has covered a span of eleven years. When your lover disappears on a “business trip” and you don’t see him for four months, it’s damn difficult as one of my friends would say. But it’s even worse when he goes on to spend the next part of his life in-and-out of hospitals trying to stay alive. And yeah, I have a thing for people who work in things they can never talk about. And if any bad guys are reading this, I know nothing of value. And being the eternal optimist, I waited a long long long time before I moved on with relationships. But the last  18 months he’s been on life support. He’s the bravest man I know. I will love him until the day I die. Every day I send a message and hope that he’s well enough to read it. I do it for him, and I do it for me. And yes, about every couple of weeks I get a message back. And no, I wouldn’t let me devote my life to be with him while he’s dying. He told me I had to move on with my life. Even though he knows I will never stop loving him because my love is unconditional.

And when I did move on and open up to love again, DAMN. I’m writing and shaking my head. What is it with me and impossible situations? This one is the most stupid, ridiculous, impossible, and heart-breaking one yet. But I’m dealing with it. Why does it always have to be f**king ‘unconditional?’

I have a mantra for the last ten years of my life. Every morning at 9 a.m. my communication devices remind me: I LOVE myself, and I am enough. And forgiving yourself for falling in love with the impossible, no future, no hope, makes no intellectual sense-man has to be the stupidest thing I’ve ever allowed myself to do. Pass GO and don’t stop until your heart is broken. So I will go into my cocoon and write it all out.

I always follow my heart, and that bitch makes me pay for it, over and over again.

Repeat after me: I love myself. I am enough.

Today I’ve written it a hundred times.

And I will continue until I believe it.

This too shall pass.

What is Love?

 

This is very personal… I wrote it this morning in honor of my bf of several years who has been hospitalized for a long long long time. He’s dying. But I will never give up hope.
What is love? Let me count the ways.
the moments throughout my day when I think about you and hope you’re not in pain
the six months when you were in a coma and I never heard from you but I NEVER gave up hope
the times when I do something, write something and think “G would like this” or “G wouldn’t like this.” The love/hate thing that exists in all love relationships
the way I think of you early in the morning and last thing at night
the way I laugh when another man tries to get my attention…. I shake my head and say to myself “G is an impossible act to follow”
the way I feel close to you, it’s like I talk to you and you’re not even here, but I feel as if you hear me
the way I sit in moments like right now, with many things to do and all I want to do is write to you
the way I long to go to Venice again but keep hoping for a miracle so that we can make that trip together and you can teach me about Opera and I can write poetry about love
the three books of poetry inspired by you, and a writing career that you gave me the strength to pursue
its the way I know that you would be my fierce protector if things were different
its the way everything I write, my determination to succeed, the photos I take, and the paintings I do are all done with you in the back of mind, always in honor of the things you can no longer do
it’s the way you took my hand one day when we first started seeing each other and we were walking down the street near Hotel Monaco, and I said to myself “I have a boyfriend”
the way not a moment has gone by since I met you—except when you piss me off—when I haven’t wished I was Your One, the One person you wanted by your side
the way I know that in a heart beat I’d give the life I know up to be by your side until “death do us part”

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but I knew, from the moment I saw your smile and looked into your eyes that you were the crazy one I’d been waiting for my whole life